You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
