I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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