I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
