you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
