I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
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His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
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Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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