I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
