Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
