If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
