So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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