Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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