1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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