I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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