Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
