I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
