He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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