EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
