I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
