I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
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