i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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