is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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