Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
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what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
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Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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