Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
