if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
