i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
