I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
