i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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