Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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