dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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