u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There's always time for handjobs
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
