so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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