Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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