My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
