I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
