I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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