I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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