he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
