He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
