I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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