hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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