where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
