I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
