I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
