The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
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Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
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Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.