There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
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Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.