She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him