chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I have aggressive nipples.
You ate ashes out of my bong
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
