I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize