Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Why are your pants in the freezer?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
