I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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