I accidentally had phone sex last night
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
