I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
