Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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