i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
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