my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Terrible idea I love it
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
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