im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
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i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
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