We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
