no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
