I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Randomize
