Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
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Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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