Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
