i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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