Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
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