I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
someone get that fucking seahorse.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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